This has been my hardest semester of school ever. I am 2 semesters into my Grad program or more than half way through credits wise. I’m currently writing this when I should be studying and writing the 3 papers I have due all within 2 weeks…but as you can tell by the title, I’m struggling. Yes, the school work is difficult, but over the years I have gotten used to a heavy course load. This semester is so hard for me because of my emotional state. I cannot lie and say that I’m happy right now, life is not fulfilling right now, and I’m not where I want to be.
Here’s my story:
When I began college, I wanted to be a dentist/orthodontist…I was set on it. About 3 years in, I changed my mind and wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. Then, I decided on some sort of environmental career…like the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) for example. I got excited for my future all over again, researched classes I could take and jobs I could go after. I joined an Environmental Microbiology research lab, where I began “The Honeybee Project.” In simple terms, I am working with a fungus that kills honeybee larva, which contributes to Colony Collapse Disorder. So I try to find ways to inhibit/eliminate the fungus. I then got accepted into the Grad program, an amazing opportunity that wouldn’t have happened without the people I work with. I was eager to start (kind of), but this was short lived. My first semester wasn’t too bad, I had an easy course load and did a manageable amount of research. Spring semester my feelings went downhill. I wasn’t excited at all and I felt a lot of anxiety. I am currently taking 4 classes + research, teach a lab two days a week, and work as a dog bather Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention I commute to campus Monday-Friday (helloooo traffic), workout 6 days a week, have a boyfriend, and household tasks to deal with (I’m slacking in that area). There is never a day that my mind is resting, I constantly am thinking about what I have to do. There is literally never a time that I don’t have SOMETHING I could be doing, it’s exhausting. I also was determined to keep up with blog posts and grow my social media accounts, but it has been too much to juggle, especially when school is my top priority. Not being able to keep up with my blog has been really disappointing for me.
Ok, yes everyone is pretty stressed during school, so why did I want to drop out?
Maybe you’re thinking, “Oh, everyone has those dropping out thoughts.” No, I really wanted to. Once I started my Master’s, I was working “under” or “for” people…and a couple of situations occurred that really upset me/pushed me over the edge. Basically, I did something “wrong” or didn’t complete a task, so I was spoken to how I never, ever want to be spoken to. I was pissed, upset, resentful, angry…on the drive home one of those nights, I was about to call my dad and ask what he would say if I dropped out of school right now. I didn’t call him, instead I cried on the way home. These were the moments that motivated me though, and I realized I don’t want to work under people. I want to be my own boss. Several people have told me, “You’re going to have to deal with that your whole life.” No, YOU will have to deal with that for your whole life, I’m more determined. I have felt so heavy this semester, almost depressed. I have cried some nights just so frustrated with how I felt. I drive to school and literally as soon as I get to campus my stomach starts hurting. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I am trying to be grateful (I am grateful), but it’s weighing me down. I hardly have time to breathe, I’m mentally and physically exhausted, I lack motivation to study and it’s affecting everything.
I was not meant to live a mediocre life. I can do more, I can achieve my dreams and I will. So here’s my plan..I will finish my Master’s, I may not be happy but I still work hard and commit to what I am doing. However, my dream is to work from home. I want to blog, create e-books, grow my social media, help people with life, fitness, health, food, foster animals…I have so many plans!
To be honest, I want to be rich. I don’t care how shallow that sounds, but it’s true. A job in the sciences just won’t do that for me. I refuse to be a robot and sit in traffic, work 9-5, sit in traffic, and repeat. I have so much more to do! I want to travel, I want to volunteer my time to animals and people, I want a beautiful home with everything I want, I want to create businesses that gives to charity, I want a dope ass car *ahem* cars (Tesla here I come!!!), I want to be able to make purchases and not stress about it, I want to make money while I sleep, I want to sporadically book a flight to anywhere and go, I don’t want to have to answer to anyone, I want to meditate on the beach, I want to read books and gain knowledge through experience, I want to wake up and WANT to wake up, I want to be busy with exciting events and things to do…as you can see I want SO much and more. I want to feel fulfilled.
Just ask yourself, “What if I died tomorrow?” When I think of how I feel about that question, it makes me really sad. Life is short and unpredictable…if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be happy or fulfilled. I work everyday doing things I don’t want to do around people I don’t necessarily want to be around. I don’t have to accept this. I will make my life suitable to my standards…I refuse to live according to how society says we’re supposed to.
A lot of people say they want this lifestyle, but I don’t just want it. I know I will have it. Just wait. In the mean time, I will work hard in what I have to do, and still try to keep up with “my businesses” as best as I can. At this point, I really don’t care what anyone thinks about my dreams and ideas…this is my life and I want to make the most of it.
Hi Leila, I finally got a chance to catch up on your blogs. Very insightful, especially the excirsize routines and vegan alternatives to food. Keep following your heart, the epa would be a noble career and very helpful to our earth but if you feel your energy is better spent in another field go for it! Though that greatest tragedy is that with the socioeconomic and climate changes expected to occur our desire for riches may be diminished due to global circumstance. Keep writing. You should make excirsize instructional videos too, that woukd be helpful
Jahath! Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. I definitely want to do things to improve the environment and to educate others, I just don’t want to be stuck in a job doing that. I would also like a platform to educate and inform people how to prevent environmental problems and about a vegan lifestyle. I definitely want to make exercise videos, it’s just difficult because my gym doesn’t allow cameras/recording like that…maybe one day though! Again thanks for checking it out and you keep up the good work too!